Losing Myself III
Jul. 28th, 2004 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
burnunitA note
So, at this point I've done a lot of talk-talk. And that's all well and good, but nothing I've said or done is particularly backed by scientific study; I don't have a background of dozens of test subjects who can speak to the successes or failures of my personal diet regime with any kind of statistical validity. But the key words here are personal. diet. In other words, this is a big fat your mileage may vary disclaimer. On the other hand, I believe I have a right to speak on some of these points quite forcefully and with a small amount of authority. My only ultimate claim to this authority is success. In the last year I have lost at least 88 pounds. That's a sustained weight loss of 1.692 pounds per week. Maybe it won't work for everyone, but this shit works for me. So don't write this off, mofo!
Having analyzed some dieting modes, explored some of the things I'm thinking about, I'd like to next consider these things: 1) in what specific ways does my current weight loss program utilize the various modes? 2) what are the actual steps I've taken so far, in what order, with what results? 3) what tools, if any, have I learned to use? 4) what role is played by time (perhaps my most crucial ally)? 5) what about exercise?
The next few posts will look like this:
I. What modes I moved through
II. What specific steps I followed
III. What I have learned
IV. How long it will take
V. Exercise miscellany
I. Modes
Okay, I've analyzed here in part 2 what I'm talking about when I mention each mode. And I've described a little how I worked within them.
In my idealized picture, my diet is a smartly balanced combo of the dieting modes. I seek a dynamic and adaptable array of insights into the behaviors and environments I encounter. The plan seeks to intelligently see through the situations I get into, and set out a template of actions to deal with each.
The weight loss program I started last year depends on insight. I find myself often asking questions like "what's going on right now?" "what do I want right now?" "what am I really hungry for?" "what makes me feel good? bad?" I started with acknowledging my feelings, on an ongoing basis (interestingly, and probably not coincindentally, this is a therapeutic approach from my struggles with emotional/mental disorder, diagnosed back in 1998), and in as real-time as possible. I also started to look at my behaviors. In my therapy, I took stock of behaviors that happened when i was feeling particularly anxious or otherwise... uh... disordered. When I got anxious, for example, I had a distinctly physical reaction of very twitchy tensing and un-tensing of my legs, particularly the backs of my knees.
Interestingly, when I get anxious, I also note that I crave a particular texture and flavor profile, usually provided by certain junk food. Under stress, I love to eat nougat/caramel filled candy, like candy bars. I also liked to eat high fat meats, like sausage or hot dogs. These foods really helped me feel solid, and also slowed the pace of my racing anxieties (among other, unmentionable behaviors which led me to therapy in the first place). But the short term effects were usually quickly followed by a more gradual discomfort in my gut. I also loved the taste of animal fats- particularly the stuff on the flesh, not just in milk- and my evenings tended to be a release of an entire day's tensions by consuming something from the grill or fry pan. Again, I felt a longer term discomfort by feeling like my very limbs were stuffed and that my body was comfortably slowing down. I often ate alone, cooking or buying with myself in mind.
Well, there's not much surprising insight to be had there, is there? I like to calm myself by eating soft, rich foods, full of animal fat (God, I love pork and chicken fat. Seriously. Oh man! Beef and venison less so, but they also fill me with longing sometimes), and sweet, dense foods. Now why do you suppose I weighed so much? Okay. So what I was doing was living in reflexive, conflict, and a kind of negatively social mode. I needed more balance! The feeling of being out of balance was so strong, it set me up for some shocks. I received a limited medical shock, followed by a strong ethical one, the two of which combined to spin me deep into thought.
What I really want is a life where I've changed my relationship to food. I want to eat foods ethically, with an eye to the impact on the wider world made by my food's production process. The medical mode of this diet should reflect sound nutrition, with an emphasis on balance. (oh yeah, about balance. You know, I got so pissed off when I found out what happens to extra proteins! Okay, when I switched to a vegetarian diet, some people asked how I'll get my proteins. Well duh! Peanuts! (love them peanuts) Tofu! Legumes! No, what angered me was the knowledge that when you eat more proteins than you need your body... deals with them... by processing them through your kidneys. Americans on average eat something like 150% more protein than they need, per day. You need something like (weight x .8)/2.2 grams per day to maintain your weight, and that sounds high to me, but I haven't checked too closely. Shit, 3 ounces of beef contributes 22g of protein. 3 ounces. That's like 1/3 the quantity I've eaten at a single meal! I've eaten 3 ounces of beef raw while preparing the a meal of hamburgers that were like 6 ounces each, eating two of them in a meal! Anything above what your body needs is literally pissed away; on the way through, though, it like... leaches out frickin' strength from your bones! We are pissing metric tons of protein into our sewers every day, along with our precious calcium. So, yeah, I'll get plenty of protein, thanks.) What a joy it will be to use conflict only to renew the original energy of my success, an occasional burst of focus and determination, conflict against sloth. I want to eat without shame, and to surround myself so thoroughly with good food and healthy habits that even when I'm not thinking about it, what I eat is good.
So at the start, it was a conflict and medical diet, with strong ethics. When I saw the success, well, then I got just a touch feverish (I felt like I was cheating once, when I ate some unsweetened ice cream after three months of nothing. kind of silly.) The structure has loosened a little as well, and i do a little negotiation now and again (Meat Day was a wonderful negotiation move). As it's gained momentum, I have a more reflexive bent. My return to the Cities has allowed me a much greater social dimension, surrounded as I am by cool vegetarians and vegans who are totally down with the program. I've added some new wrinkles to the conflict elements (I'm getting increasingly paranoid about high fructose corn syrup (another link, even though I know it's not to blame, it still feels... as Mother Linda says... murky)).
I think I will seek to renew my effort with a newly intensified structure, and a little burst of conflict or fever, to get my head straightened out a touch.
part 4
So, at this point I've done a lot of talk-talk. And that's all well and good, but nothing I've said or done is particularly backed by scientific study; I don't have a background of dozens of test subjects who can speak to the successes or failures of my personal diet regime with any kind of statistical validity. But the key words here are personal. diet. In other words, this is a big fat your mileage may vary disclaimer. On the other hand, I believe I have a right to speak on some of these points quite forcefully and with a small amount of authority. My only ultimate claim to this authority is success. In the last year I have lost at least 88 pounds. That's a sustained weight loss of 1.692 pounds per week. Maybe it won't work for everyone, but this shit works for me. So don't write this off, mofo!
Having analyzed some dieting modes, explored some of the things I'm thinking about, I'd like to next consider these things: 1) in what specific ways does my current weight loss program utilize the various modes? 2) what are the actual steps I've taken so far, in what order, with what results? 3) what tools, if any, have I learned to use? 4) what role is played by time (perhaps my most crucial ally)? 5) what about exercise?
The next few posts will look like this:
I. What modes I moved through
II. What specific steps I followed
III. What I have learned
IV. How long it will take
V. Exercise miscellany
I. Modes
Okay, I've analyzed here in part 2 what I'm talking about when I mention each mode. And I've described a little how I worked within them.
In my idealized picture, my diet is a smartly balanced combo of the dieting modes. I seek a dynamic and adaptable array of insights into the behaviors and environments I encounter. The plan seeks to intelligently see through the situations I get into, and set out a template of actions to deal with each.
The weight loss program I started last year depends on insight. I find myself often asking questions like "what's going on right now?" "what do I want right now?" "what am I really hungry for?" "what makes me feel good? bad?" I started with acknowledging my feelings, on an ongoing basis (interestingly, and probably not coincindentally, this is a therapeutic approach from my struggles with emotional/mental disorder, diagnosed back in 1998), and in as real-time as possible. I also started to look at my behaviors. In my therapy, I took stock of behaviors that happened when i was feeling particularly anxious or otherwise... uh... disordered. When I got anxious, for example, I had a distinctly physical reaction of very twitchy tensing and un-tensing of my legs, particularly the backs of my knees.
Interestingly, when I get anxious, I also note that I crave a particular texture and flavor profile, usually provided by certain junk food. Under stress, I love to eat nougat/caramel filled candy, like candy bars. I also liked to eat high fat meats, like sausage or hot dogs. These foods really helped me feel solid, and also slowed the pace of my racing anxieties (among other, unmentionable behaviors which led me to therapy in the first place). But the short term effects were usually quickly followed by a more gradual discomfort in my gut. I also loved the taste of animal fats- particularly the stuff on the flesh, not just in milk- and my evenings tended to be a release of an entire day's tensions by consuming something from the grill or fry pan. Again, I felt a longer term discomfort by feeling like my very limbs were stuffed and that my body was comfortably slowing down. I often ate alone, cooking or buying with myself in mind.
Well, there's not much surprising insight to be had there, is there? I like to calm myself by eating soft, rich foods, full of animal fat (God, I love pork and chicken fat. Seriously. Oh man! Beef and venison less so, but they also fill me with longing sometimes), and sweet, dense foods. Now why do you suppose I weighed so much? Okay. So what I was doing was living in reflexive, conflict, and a kind of negatively social mode. I needed more balance! The feeling of being out of balance was so strong, it set me up for some shocks. I received a limited medical shock, followed by a strong ethical one, the two of which combined to spin me deep into thought.
What I really want is a life where I've changed my relationship to food. I want to eat foods ethically, with an eye to the impact on the wider world made by my food's production process. The medical mode of this diet should reflect sound nutrition, with an emphasis on balance. (oh yeah, about balance. You know, I got so pissed off when I found out what happens to extra proteins! Okay, when I switched to a vegetarian diet, some people asked how I'll get my proteins. Well duh! Peanuts! (love them peanuts) Tofu! Legumes! No, what angered me was the knowledge that when you eat more proteins than you need your body... deals with them... by processing them through your kidneys. Americans on average eat something like 150% more protein than they need, per day. You need something like (weight x .8)/2.2 grams per day to maintain your weight, and that sounds high to me, but I haven't checked too closely. Shit, 3 ounces of beef contributes 22g of protein. 3 ounces. That's like 1/3 the quantity I've eaten at a single meal! I've eaten 3 ounces of beef raw while preparing the a meal of hamburgers that were like 6 ounces each, eating two of them in a meal! Anything above what your body needs is literally pissed away; on the way through, though, it like... leaches out frickin' strength from your bones! We are pissing metric tons of protein into our sewers every day, along with our precious calcium. So, yeah, I'll get plenty of protein, thanks.) What a joy it will be to use conflict only to renew the original energy of my success, an occasional burst of focus and determination, conflict against sloth. I want to eat without shame, and to surround myself so thoroughly with good food and healthy habits that even when I'm not thinking about it, what I eat is good.
So at the start, it was a conflict and medical diet, with strong ethics. When I saw the success, well, then I got just a touch feverish (I felt like I was cheating once, when I ate some unsweetened ice cream after three months of nothing. kind of silly.) The structure has loosened a little as well, and i do a little negotiation now and again (Meat Day was a wonderful negotiation move). As it's gained momentum, I have a more reflexive bent. My return to the Cities has allowed me a much greater social dimension, surrounded as I am by cool vegetarians and vegans who are totally down with the program. I've added some new wrinkles to the conflict elements (I'm getting increasingly paranoid about high fructose corn syrup (another link, even though I know it's not to blame, it still feels... as Mother Linda says... murky)).
I think I will seek to renew my effort with a newly intensified structure, and a little burst of conflict or fever, to get my head straightened out a touch.
part 4